Updated: Feb 16
I have depression and anxiety. Go figure...
I have been suffering/battling depression for about 26 years now. I still remember the first time I tried to kill myself, I was 12 years old. All through my high school career I was a cutter and every so often I would try to kill myself. My mother use to say I was doing it for attention and that I should be ignored.
Within the past year I have tried 4 times... now I depend on 3 pills to help me fight. Abilify in the morning, Vistaril throughout the day, as needed, and Trintellix at night with a half a sleeping pill. These pills help me function day to day. I don't feel like a zombie like I did when I was on Zoloft a few years ago. I write, play video games, and I have real emotions now unlike not doing any of the things while on Zoloft. And I'm not wanting to die, I feel sad every now and again, but not depressed on these new set of pills.
This makes me feel broken... I mean I always felt broken but I was broken and ok, so I thought, whereas now I know I'm broken and I'm fixed to an extent. You can glue a vase that has fallen but you can still see the cracks, you still know if broke... that's how I feel...
a fixed broken vase.
These pills keep me in check, I feel like a slave to them... but I need them... at times I want to stop and say I'm better now, but I know I'm lying to myself and those around me. I have to stick with this. Trust me though... I hate it. I want to be normal and ok, but as many people have told me, normal is boring. I have looked into the Law of Attraction, the Secret, and Tony Robbins to try to help me change the way I think and feel I also have a vision board and an affirmation I have updated. It works for me for the most part, I have to redirect my thoughts sometimes. Some days are tougher than others but I keep trying until my thoughts are changed. My thoughts are not just of death, it's belittling myself, hating myself, and at the deep end is death.
I write this because today is the start of National Suicide Prevention Week and as cliche as it sounds if you are having thoughts of suicide there are other ways of reaching out other than the suicide hotline. Talk to friends, family, go to a website and find a support chat. And for those who love a person who battles depression, notice the warning signs... you see them and you know what they are... go with your gut and you might save a life. And if you want to talk to me.... theHighHeeledGamer@gmail.com, 919-750-9033, or my Facebook page messenger. Let's fight this war together.
Stay Strong and Nerdy My Friends.